Stop being so professional that you become invisible

The safest version of you is the most selfish thing you have to offer.

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The weather is so good at showing you yourself, especially wintertime for me. While the earth appears dormant, there is a stirring. This snowed-in weekend, I was struggling with ego around certain areas of my business and purpose. I was down on myself and I almost didn’t make it to meet up with my friends but something was pulling at me to go anyway. Your friends, if they’re meant for you, will meet you where you are. And mine did. Everything about our conversation reflected the deep inner work I was doing the night before, which involved exposure and authenticity and following natural flow instead of forcing out bad work because of Shoulds.

Working behind the chair, you’re surrounded by mirrors all day. I mean, the whole career revolves around how these damn reflections look! But I’m not necessarily talking about appearances. When I was in salon full time, I put the work outside of myself, I focused on my clients and put their needs ahead of mine, I prioritized the comfort of my peers and leaders over my own. Anything to make their lives easier, while mine got harder. I made myself busy so I didn’t have to look in the mirror.

The thing is, whether you’re in salon or out, even if you change careers, change cities, change friends, spend money on things with the plans of changing something about your life, you will always be surrounded by mirrors. Every experience you have, every person you interact with, everywhere you go, there you are. This isn’t something that can be avoided, no matter how much you try to control various aspects of your life or ignore what you know you Must do while instead focusing on what you Should do. Musts are those gnawing urges to do something big, to do the right thing, to do the hard thing, all the energizing urges you get when you’re feeling stagnant, those crazy genius sparks of inspiration you receive on your drive to work. You know in your heart and gut that your potential is greater than your choices.

You know what you Must do.

But everyone always seems to have the perfect answer to all your problems, or you compare yourself to them, or you focus on what you don’t have. ‘The grass is always greener’ type nonsense.

“I Should have picked a different career, my school taught me nothing.”

“I Should try this crash diet because it worked for my client.”

“I Should be posting 27x a day because such-and-such influencer said so.”

“I Should keep tolerating that horribly toxic person because they’re family.”

“I Should go booth rent, it’s the only way to make any money.”

“I Should get over it because nothing is going to change.”

“I Should close my salon, this isn’t what I had in mind.”

I “Shouldn’t” give you any more ammo to use against yourself, you already know what your Shoulds and Musts are.

It is in humankind’s best interest (including yours) for you to pay attention to what I’m about to say.

These Shoulds are merely you catching the reflections of others - not your own. Shoulds are intrusive thoughts that are usually inherited, absorbed, or projected by our environment, our ancestors living and dead, and our society that presents this godlike, aspirational, intentionally unachievable persona of perfection that makes us all want to hustle, rush, stress, and be something we just aren’t.

Acting on the Shoulds might keep you in step with everyone else but it keeps you out of line with your best and most impactful, loving work. Putting so much pressure on what you Should do chips away at any momentum you might have had toward your Musts and dissolves any impact that would have been created if you had just been behaving honestly and true to yourself.

Would you rather stay hidden, and therefore misrepresented? Or would you rather have the true and gleaming nature of yourself exposed, even if that seems somewhat scary, so that all the wonderful things meant for you can have a fair chance at finding you? By the way, choosing to hide is still being seen, it’s just that you’re being seen inaccurately, which invites everything in this world that isn’t meant for you. Choosing not to act on what you know you Must IS an action. Choosing to hide is actively choosing chaos. (Luckily chaos is optional!) Who does hiding benefit? Choosing Shoulds over Musts creates tension in you, breeds more division with others, chaos in the community, gives power to hierarchy, and keeps you at the bottom of this pyramid that supports those who are the highest performers in this extraction process that wants you, no, needs you to keep exhausting yourself for it to stay alive. Meanwhile it’s killing you. It’s killing your passion, your community, your vitality.

But it’s also literally killing you.

My dad was an amazing and wildly creative person. He impacted more people than he ever realized but he spent most of his life quietly doubting himself and going along with the Shoulds passed down to him from his family under the guise of Tradition and “keeping the peace”. It’s been incredibly difficult for me in the wake of his recent death grappling with the contrast between how I and other loved ones saw him and how he saw himself, the contrast of what he was capable of vs. the limits he put on himself. Outside of severely missing him, his jokes, guidance, and support, I am at peace because he had arrived at a fuller version of himself, stood in his truth, created so much with his hands and his voice that left an enormous bounty of evidence of his love behind before his glowing presence was snatched away sooner than any of us anticipated. Not to be morbid, but we really don’t know how much time we have left. To quote my brother, “Every year is a gift.”

I have made a vow to look in the mirror, to see myself, and to allow myself to be seen.

Because it feels better than being seen incorrectly. Because it’s better than the idea of getting to the end of my life without the world knowing what I had to say. Because it gets cool shit done. Because it fills me with energy. Because it makes a difference. Because I Must. I invite you to do the same, because when you genuinely look in the metaphorical mirror, past your vessel and into your soul and nature, out of your head and into the animal you are, you see yourself more clearly. You act differently. Instead of spiraling inward deeper into your ego and shortcomings, you radiate outward and you can visibly see the change of energy it creates in those around you. You see their faces soften, lighten up, and smile when you are vitalized by what drives you. It creates an immediate impact. It leaves a lasting legacy. People remember how you made them feel, and they remember how you felt around them. They remember what you love and how you love, and are reminded of that love every time they see something or someone that reflects that light in you.

Don’t be selfish. What are you gatekeeping from humanity?